I've always known I have wanted children. Being one of three children, I know I definitely wanted more than one child. Sure, at times my sisters can drive me bananas but I love all the memories of my childhood of having siblings. Also, having nieces and nephews rock! This was always something I knew that I wanted for my life, to have children.
When I found out I was pregnant with Noah I was very surprised. I can't lie and say that I wasn't nervous, scared or shocked. Clint and I have only been married for about 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. We were scared. We were just learning how to balance our own bills and now we were worried about how we were going to take care of a baby.
Once the initial shocked left, I was more than happy to become a mother. I was more worried about giving blood, bed rest and labor than I was ever worried about changing diapers or 2AM feedings. I knew this was what I wanted and was over the moon about it happening by surprise.
I know it's so cliche' but I have no idea how I lived without Noah. It's amazing how a 6lb baby can change your life in one second. In one second I have never loved any thing or any one more than him. He was my life wrapped up in a little blue blanket and my life changed forever in a flash.
Fast forward to the present. Clint and I always knew we wanted more children but the "perfect time" was heavily accounted for as to when we would start trying. Since we get pregnant so easily for Noah, we knew that if we were ready to start trying that it may happen the first month so we waited until Noah was a little over 2.
The first few months went by and we weren't pregnant. We didn't think too much of it because we know that it can take a normal couple up to a year to conceive. To help our chances, I began to chart my basal body temperature (BBT) and use ovulation predictor kids (OPKs) to pin point my ovulation.
I was a bit obsessed with charting and peeing on sticks to see if I was ovulating. It took over my life by waking up to putting a thermometer in my mouth and then logging the temp into an application on my phone to track it. I was fully committed to trying to conceive (TTC) and drove my closest family and friends sick talking about it (Sorry Ann!).
Months went by and to be honest, I got upset every month I wasn't pregnant. I just assumed it would happen quickly since we got pregnant for Noah without using any of these tactics. I played all the cards right and it just wasn't happening for us....until a few weeks ago. On December 13th, I was due for my period and anxious to pee on a pregnancy test to see those 2 beautiful lines...and TA DA it was there!
The first test I took the lines were SO faint Clint could barely see them and he thought I was seeing things. I started to think, well maybe I am just seeing things but I was so excited over the possibility of being pregnant that I wasn't taking a "maybe" for an answer.
So, I headed to work and along the way I stopped at a CVS for another brand of a pregnancy test. And yes, another test showed 2 lines but they were faint! A line is a LINE, right? To convince myself that I was indeed pregnant, I debated on stopping for another test. So that's precisely what I did.
I then drove some more and stopped at a Walgreens for a digital pregnancy test. I bet you are wondering how I took these tests, well I saved my first morning urine (which is the best to test with) in a cup and I covered it with foil and brought it with me. Yes, I was that dedicated to this whole process.
Well, there I was sitting in the Walgreens parking lot waiting for my digital test to show "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT" and within a few seconds "PREGNANT" appeared. I can even begin to describe how excited I was. I was so happy I started crying hysterically while I called Clint to tell him the news. For him to believe it, I took a picture of that beautiful test that read "PREGNANT" and sent it to him.
I was EXCITED, too excited for words. I bought Noah the most adorable shirt to announce the pregnancy. On the front it read "Guess what Santa is bringing me?" and on the back "A new baby brother or sister!". My plan was to announce this on Christmas Eve at our annual party to our families/friends as I was keeping it a secret until I went to the Dr. on the 22nd.
The day before I got my 1st positive test I started spotting. I didn't think much of it because I know spotting can be normal but I've been having more since then and some cramping. I told my doctor about this at my appointment and she decided to an ultrasound to just check everything out.
I anticipated going in and everything being fine and leaving so ecstatic and ready to announce on Christmas Eve. It didn't end up that way though. During the ultrasound they couldn't see anything in my uterus. The tech said maybe I was just too early and my doctor told me to come back next week for a follow up.
We took additional blood work and I would find out the results the next day. The results weren't good and she told me that I may miscarry over Christmas weekend and gave me instructions if it happened. She was pretty convinced it wasn't a healthy pregnancy.
I just couldn't take that answer. I kept on trying to convince myself it was too early. However, since I was tracking my ovulation I knew how far along I should be and it wasn't matching up with the blood work or the ultrasound.
On Christmas Eve around 11PM I started to have some more bleeding. I was so upset and very emotional. I'm not proud to say but I had some heated words with the man in the sky. I thought I was miscarrying and kept on thinking, why are you making me lose my baby on the birthday of your child? Why? Why me?
Christmas Day wasn't any better. I started having some serious cramps and passing some clots, so I ended up leaving Christmas day at my parents and coming home. Christmas is supposed to be the most happiest time of the year and I spent it alone crying in a bathroom thinking I was miscarrying my child.
That Monday and Wednesday we had another ultrasound and more blood work. I just couldn't accept the fact that I was losing this baby. My doctor kept on telling me if it's in a tube, it could burst and I could lose a tube and it would affect my future fertility. I was given 2 options, I could have a D&C or receive a shot of Methotrexate.
I googled each option and did the pros and cons for each. It was such a hard decision and a decision that I most certainly didn't want to make. I chose to get the shot.
It's a shot given to cancer patients, so I had to get it in a clinic surrounded by cancer patients. I felt terrible because I was seated next to old men who thought I had cancer and were giving me the biggest saddest puppy dog eyes. To add insult to injury, I had to wait over 4 hours to get this shot. 4 HOURS! I was built up with anticipation, nervousness and obviously sadness since this shot will make me lose the baby.
The shot itself hurt because I got one in each hip. I can still picture the little room we were in and the shots and the nurses face. It was a terrible day and all I could compare it to was a lethal injection to end the life of my baby I'll never get to meet.
I spent the days following in terrible pain. The pain was so excruciating at times where I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I had to go in for follow up blood work for a few weeks after. One time when I had to go give blood at EJ the tech had no idea what was going on with me obviously. She asked me with such enthusiasm "So are you expecting?" and I casually said no. She then asked me "Oh are you getting this because you think are you expecting?" and I just sulked in my chair. Sure, she had no idea what was going on but still I didn't know how to answer. I politely told her that no, I'm doing quite the opposite. I'm getting checked to see if my ectopic pregnancy is over. That made her stop talking real quick.
Thankfully last Monday I'm finally in the clear and no more blood work is needed and that my levels are back to 0 and that I'm officially not pregnant any more.
It was a long journey and I'm glad it's over, but I can't stop asking why this happened. I'm obviously very scared for when we can start trying to have another baby. Will this happen again? Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I have another child? Will Noah have a sibling? Is there something I can do to avoid it happening?
I'm full of questions that nobody can answer and full of fear for the future. I know we will start trying when we can but I'm so afraid of this happening again. My risk is now increased but there is a risk with every pregnancy, right?
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer in this post and I promise to give you a fun fill post this week from my girl weekend in Dallas!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I want a new tummy!
First off, I think I'm pretty lucky that we have lasted this long that Noah hasn't had a big puking episode. He turns the big 3 next month and I am really shocked we haven't had to deal with this yet.
Last week poor little Noah came down with this bug that in turn made everyone in our home and in our extended families homes...sick as a dog!
It started around 10PM Tuesday night when Clint could just smell the funk coming from his room. Poor thing was sleeping and it got every where! We stayed up the entire night with him and whenever he knew he was about to, Noah would start crying and scream "Stay in! Please stay in! I don't want to". It broke my heart!
I started to think, even in my late 20s I still hate being sick that way. How traumatizing it must be to a 2 year old! Poor baby!
I stayed home Wednesday to care for him and he seemed much better. Thursday he was super lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink anything and he told my mom "I want a new tummy, I don't want this tummy anymore!". Late Thursday Clint and I both fell ill.
I didn't leave the house from Thursday to SUNDAY! Needless to say, we were going stir crazy. We must have done all the linens in the house a couple of times during those few days.
I was so happy on Monday when Noah and I were feeling well enough to leave the house.
Hopefully Noah lasts another 2 years before another episode like this! Pass the Lysol!
Last week poor little Noah came down with this bug that in turn made everyone in our home and in our extended families homes...sick as a dog!
It started around 10PM Tuesday night when Clint could just smell the funk coming from his room. Poor thing was sleeping and it got every where! We stayed up the entire night with him and whenever he knew he was about to, Noah would start crying and scream "Stay in! Please stay in! I don't want to". It broke my heart!
I started to think, even in my late 20s I still hate being sick that way. How traumatizing it must be to a 2 year old! Poor baby!
I stayed home Wednesday to care for him and he seemed much better. Thursday he was super lethargic and wouldn't eat or drink anything and he told my mom "I want a new tummy, I don't want this tummy anymore!". Late Thursday Clint and I both fell ill.
I didn't leave the house from Thursday to SUNDAY! Needless to say, we were going stir crazy. We must have done all the linens in the house a couple of times during those few days.
I was so happy on Monday when Noah and I were feeling well enough to leave the house.
Hopefully Noah lasts another 2 years before another episode like this! Pass the Lysol!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Pants on the ground!
This past Sunday Noah and I had a play date with some of our greatest pals. Due to the holidays, we haven't met up that much and the boys were in need of some play time.
We decided to hit up the Monkey Room since the weather wasn't cooperative for us to do an outdoor activity.
The Monkey Room is a LOT of fun and was filled with crazy toddlers running around and going down slides, it was a munchkin paradise of fun! They had a cute toddler area where Noah and Gabe would play, and a older kids area where Alton could show off his monkey skills.
Noah would go between each site but he was very nervous about the "big boy" area. Thankfully, Jenna is up for going up and down the obstacle course and would take Noah and Gabe with her. Noah gets scared and won't go alone, so Jenna was a true lifesaver.
After being there for about an hour, the boys decided it was time for a snack. So we all sat down and shared golfish, raisins and tootsie rolls. Noah was more into playing, so he wandered off to the toddler area. Alton still wanted Noah to eat snacks with him, so he went after Noah and tried to physically get him back to our little pow wow.
Noah was in mid crawl, while Alton tried to physically pull him towards him. Noah wasn't having it. All of a sudden, Alton pulled off Noahs pants! Please take note, that pants are a bit big so it wasn't Als fault. I hear Noah screaming "MOMMY! Mommy, HELP ME!". So, I glance over and there is Noah standing in the toddler area with his cords down to his ankles in his diaper. Even at 2, this is SO embarrassing for him. Once I got to him, Noah is crying big crocodile tears. Poor thing! However, it was quite hilarious.
It got me thinking of the American Idol audition. Remember?
Noah definitely looked like a fool with his pants on the ground!
We decided to hit up the Monkey Room since the weather wasn't cooperative for us to do an outdoor activity.
The Monkey Room is a LOT of fun and was filled with crazy toddlers running around and going down slides, it was a munchkin paradise of fun! They had a cute toddler area where Noah and Gabe would play, and a older kids area where Alton could show off his monkey skills.
Noah would go between each site but he was very nervous about the "big boy" area. Thankfully, Jenna is up for going up and down the obstacle course and would take Noah and Gabe with her. Noah gets scared and won't go alone, so Jenna was a true lifesaver.
After being there for about an hour, the boys decided it was time for a snack. So we all sat down and shared golfish, raisins and tootsie rolls. Noah was more into playing, so he wandered off to the toddler area. Alton still wanted Noah to eat snacks with him, so he went after Noah and tried to physically get him back to our little pow wow.
Noah was in mid crawl, while Alton tried to physically pull him towards him. Noah wasn't having it. All of a sudden, Alton pulled off Noahs pants! Please take note, that pants are a bit big so it wasn't Als fault. I hear Noah screaming "MOMMY! Mommy, HELP ME!". So, I glance over and there is Noah standing in the toddler area with his cords down to his ankles in his diaper. Even at 2, this is SO embarrassing for him. Once I got to him, Noah is crying big crocodile tears. Poor thing! However, it was quite hilarious.
It got me thinking of the American Idol audition. Remember?
Noah definitely looked like a fool with his pants on the ground!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Big boy bed
For Christmas, Noah got a big boy bed. And let me just tell you, it's pretty awesome!!! As a child I always remember wanting those cool bed in the shape of a car, boat or a princess bed. Alas, Santa never brought me a a cool bed to sleep in.
Luckily, Noah has a pretty rockin' Santa who brought him one. The bed is in the shape of Thomas the train. The bed even has a toy box in the front, rails along the bed where you can take your train for a spin and over head is a book shelf. How cool!
Since Noah is turning 3 this year, we found that it was time for him to make the move. He never tried to escape from his crib or anything, but it just seemed like the right time to make the switch.
On Christmas Eve we had the big reveal. Noah was SO excited! His new big boy bed was in a new big boy ROOM equipped with a new train table, thomas vinyls on the wall and in a completely NEW room painted blue. This was a big transition from his nursery.
Now, since we introduced the bed we have had some rough nights. At first Noah wouldn't even lay in the bed to go to bed. He saw it more of a toy, a place to sit and read books during the day rather than a place to sleep.
He has now made the progress the lay in the bed and fall asleep on his own, but he wakes up between 2-5AM and comes and lays in our bed. It first started to be around 2AM but now it's getting closer to 5AM and we wake up at 6, so I'm hoping he is slowly learning to soothe himself back to sleep for when we come to wake him up.
I can't believe he is old enough to not be in a crib any more, where did my baby boy go? Ahh!!
Luckily, Noah has a pretty rockin' Santa who brought him one. The bed is in the shape of Thomas the train. The bed even has a toy box in the front, rails along the bed where you can take your train for a spin and over head is a book shelf. How cool!
Since Noah is turning 3 this year, we found that it was time for him to make the move. He never tried to escape from his crib or anything, but it just seemed like the right time to make the switch.
On Christmas Eve we had the big reveal. Noah was SO excited! His new big boy bed was in a new big boy ROOM equipped with a new train table, thomas vinyls on the wall and in a completely NEW room painted blue. This was a big transition from his nursery.
Now, since we introduced the bed we have had some rough nights. At first Noah wouldn't even lay in the bed to go to bed. He saw it more of a toy, a place to sit and read books during the day rather than a place to sleep.
He has now made the progress the lay in the bed and fall asleep on his own, but he wakes up between 2-5AM and comes and lays in our bed. It first started to be around 2AM but now it's getting closer to 5AM and we wake up at 6, so I'm hoping he is slowly learning to soothe himself back to sleep for when we come to wake him up.
I can't believe he is old enough to not be in a crib any more, where did my baby boy go? Ahh!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
New Years Resolutions
Oh it's a beginning of another year. Every year we all make resolutions and usually by January 15th (or...sooner), we have blown them (myself included). Hopefully this year, I will keep a few of the ones I'm making today.
Scrapbook/Photo Books
I take TONS of pictures and for the majority of them, I do nothing with them! I am still not finished Noahs 1st year scrapbook! I know, I know...terrible! He is turning 3 this year. My goal is to get up to date with all my photos.
Be Active
Last summer I started up Zumba. I love Zumba because it reminds me of my old dance team days and it's a lot of fun. However, I started slacking because sometimes it's just plain hard to get to class by 6PM between leaving work, going home to change and picking up a toddler. I am going to plan my days better and make it a priority.
Learn Patience
Having a 2 year old could make Mother Theresa lose her patience so it's no surprise that at times I lose it when Noah is throwing a tantrum. His new thing if he can tell you are getting upset, he says to you nicely "Be nice, Mama, be nice!" and then it brings you down to reality that he is only 2 years old and for you to "chill out".
So there, those are my 3 resolutions. Let's hope I can stick to them!
Scrapbook/Photo Books
I take TONS of pictures and for the majority of them, I do nothing with them! I am still not finished Noahs 1st year scrapbook! I know, I know...terrible! He is turning 3 this year. My goal is to get up to date with all my photos.
Be Active
Last summer I started up Zumba. I love Zumba because it reminds me of my old dance team days and it's a lot of fun. However, I started slacking because sometimes it's just plain hard to get to class by 6PM between leaving work, going home to change and picking up a toddler. I am going to plan my days better and make it a priority.
Learn Patience
Having a 2 year old could make Mother Theresa lose her patience so it's no surprise that at times I lose it when Noah is throwing a tantrum. His new thing if he can tell you are getting upset, he says to you nicely "Be nice, Mama, be nice!" and then it brings you down to reality that he is only 2 years old and for you to "chill out".
So there, those are my 3 resolutions. Let's hope I can stick to them!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Top 10 of '10
I saw this on another blog, where they posted pictures and memories from 2010. It will be hard to pick just 10, but here goes!
Superbowl Champs: New Orleans Saints!
Needless to say the City of New Orleans started 2010 off with a BANG! I love how excited the city has been all year. This picture just shows the pure excitement in 2 grown men over their Saints winning the SUPERBOWL!
Noah getting tubes!
I know some people may celebrate over their child having surgery, but let me just tell you how much tubes have changed our lives. Before the surgery, I was taking Noah to the doctor almost weekly. Other than having to miss a LOT of work over this, it was getting rather expensive! I was very hesitant at first to get tubes, but they have turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. Noah :knock on wood: has been in the best health since and his speech has really picked up!
Noah turning 2!
January started off pretty rough with spending days on end at Childrens with Noah and then Clints visit to the ER shortly after by hitting his head. We had to cancel his 1st party because he was ill, so needless to say just celebrating his 2nd Birthday was reason enough to be in the top 10! The party was insanely cute where Captain Hook came by to read stories and Noah really enjoyed all of his "loot"!
Disney World
During Mardi Gras, we escaped the Big Easy and headed to Disney World. This was the best trip yet! Noah LOVED meeting all of his favorite characters. He enjoyed that more than the rides! We had a blast with our family and Noah really enjoyed being with everyone.
Summertime
This was our first summer in our house and Noahs first summer having a backyard! Before we moved into our house we rented a double and it just had a courtyard and no grass. This year, Noah loved playing with all of his water toys! His favorite was just running around getting water splashed in his face! After looking through my pictures again, it's so cute the pure innocence of just being that little.
Chicken Head
Noah loved wearing hats this past year. I mean loved him. Take for example the chicken head hat. Noah would wear this everywhere! Target, the beach or like in the picture Cracker Barrel. This is one of my favorite pictures of Noah and my dad, it's just classic.
Random thoughts of kindness
Again, this is another one of my favorite pictures of 2010. Clint and Noah will randomly get me little presents here and there like flowers or cupcakes. This particular picture, Clint took Noah to buy me flowers. Clint let Noah pay and when Noah got home he was so excited to give me the flowers. It makes my heart melt!
Halloween
Halloween is by Noahs favorite holiday. He still recites the Yo Gabba Gabba Halloween episode almost daily. He loved everything about it from the decorations, dressing up and of course, the candy! Noah couldn't chose just one costume this year, he had 3! Frankenstein, Spiderman and a pirate were big hits in our house this year.
The Beach Bum
Noah, the beach bum. 'Nuff said!
Noah and Santa
Noah demanded to see Santa just about every weekend before Christmas. He rehearsed a gazillion times what he was asking for. He would proudly say "A garbage truck and a bike" whenever asked by anyone, especially Santa, what he wanted for Christmas. He believes in everything related to Christmas and let me tell you, I'm so sad that Elf on the Shelf is gone!
I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2011!!!!
Superbowl Champs: New Orleans Saints!
Needless to say the City of New Orleans started 2010 off with a BANG! I love how excited the city has been all year. This picture just shows the pure excitement in 2 grown men over their Saints winning the SUPERBOWL!
Noah getting tubes!
I know some people may celebrate over their child having surgery, but let me just tell you how much tubes have changed our lives. Before the surgery, I was taking Noah to the doctor almost weekly. Other than having to miss a LOT of work over this, it was getting rather expensive! I was very hesitant at first to get tubes, but they have turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. Noah :knock on wood: has been in the best health since and his speech has really picked up!
Noah turning 2!
January started off pretty rough with spending days on end at Childrens with Noah and then Clints visit to the ER shortly after by hitting his head. We had to cancel his 1st party because he was ill, so needless to say just celebrating his 2nd Birthday was reason enough to be in the top 10! The party was insanely cute where Captain Hook came by to read stories and Noah really enjoyed all of his "loot"!
Disney World
During Mardi Gras, we escaped the Big Easy and headed to Disney World. This was the best trip yet! Noah LOVED meeting all of his favorite characters. He enjoyed that more than the rides! We had a blast with our family and Noah really enjoyed being with everyone.
Summertime
This was our first summer in our house and Noahs first summer having a backyard! Before we moved into our house we rented a double and it just had a courtyard and no grass. This year, Noah loved playing with all of his water toys! His favorite was just running around getting water splashed in his face! After looking through my pictures again, it's so cute the pure innocence of just being that little.
Chicken Head
Noah loved wearing hats this past year. I mean loved him. Take for example the chicken head hat. Noah would wear this everywhere! Target, the beach or like in the picture Cracker Barrel. This is one of my favorite pictures of Noah and my dad, it's just classic.
Random thoughts of kindness
Again, this is another one of my favorite pictures of 2010. Clint and Noah will randomly get me little presents here and there like flowers or cupcakes. This particular picture, Clint took Noah to buy me flowers. Clint let Noah pay and when Noah got home he was so excited to give me the flowers. It makes my heart melt!
Halloween
Halloween is by Noahs favorite holiday. He still recites the Yo Gabba Gabba Halloween episode almost daily. He loved everything about it from the decorations, dressing up and of course, the candy! Noah couldn't chose just one costume this year, he had 3! Frankenstein, Spiderman and a pirate were big hits in our house this year.
The Beach Bum
Noah, the beach bum. 'Nuff said!
Noah and Santa
Noah demanded to see Santa just about every weekend before Christmas. He rehearsed a gazillion times what he was asking for. He would proudly say "A garbage truck and a bike" whenever asked by anyone, especially Santa, what he wanted for Christmas. He believes in everything related to Christmas and let me tell you, I'm so sad that Elf on the Shelf is gone!
I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2011!!!!
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